I recently visited the main town on Koh Phangan, Thongsala, (which is made up of essentially two main streets and alleyways branching off like a advantageous roots, in a haphazard, inconsistent fashion). All sorts of practical local supplies like hardware are mixed in with tattoo parlours, guest houses and food fares.
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| Thongsala, Koh Phangan |
I like it’s simplicity. It’s not too big or too sprawling. It’s easy to get around and find things. It is the embodiment of a little Thai island village, just enough of everything, just enough dirt, just enough dried fish smells, just enough tantalising treats.
When I decided to head back to my beach, I went to find a motorbike taxi. I know they always drive like they are taking a labouring woman to hospital, so I had to set my terms upfront.
‘Taxi?’ His pleasant, slightly slurred face looked hopeful.
‘Yes, Haad Yao.’
He was turning to get on his bike. ‘How much’ I pressed.
‘200’
‘150’
‘Ok.’
‘Cha Cha.’
He nods.
His friend beside the bike looks at me and says, ‘No, Leo Leo’ motioning with his arms like he’s trying to get a donkey to trot.
I look at him in fear, ‘No, CHA CHA…’
Encouraged, with a half smirk, he fastens, ‘No, LEO LEO!’
I put my hand on my driver before he takes off, ‘CHA CHA’.
‘Ok, Ok..’
We set off, leaving a laughing group of men behind.
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| Thongsala, Koh Phangan |
This is an example of the current workings of my mind in relation to my writing. Do I go slowly, cha cha (I love that cha cha in Thai means ‘slow’ when to most English speakers it means sexy, active dancing!). Or do I go Leo Leo (one of the Thai beers here is called ‘Leo’, or in English ‘Fast’).
My writing has been paceful most days. And I write a decent amount. But I still don’t think its enough. I pressure myself with thoughts of ‘Leo, Leo’ but this doesn’t help the writing process. Some days I get lost in social media (I am thoroughly enjoying my ability (ie the time) to read all the articles I want to read and have endless conversations with my friends here, and new friends I meet along the way. I’ve helped out friends with various things (on and off the island) which has added up to weeks and weeks of time.
I let myself be distracted. I mostly try and be solitary. (Sunni? Solitary? Yes, I know… but its true). I try to hide myself away in corners of coffee shops with earphones in, a concentrated look on my face, barely looking up. But it still doesn’t work. People just want to talk to me.
My internal pressure is far greater than anything I know.
And then there’s that time thing. Surprisingly, time flies in a tropical island paradise. Sounds tough, I know. But I am genuinely surprised at how quickly 4 months has gone (yes its really true – 4 months!). Life has gotten busier on the island. Its now high season and I was reflecting with my friends recently on how we miss the ‘good old days’ when the island was sparse and I would go to my favourite cafe and there would be no one in it.I certainly have not been working at the speed I work at when I am working for employers in Australia (I give at least 126.7% out of 100% in all the work I undertake). I have allowed myself the space to go ‘Cha Cha’ for a while. I vary up my routine most days. I’ve let the creativity flow in different ways.
But then the guilt creeps in. I think about my good friends at home who are exceptionally busy with their families, parenting, working and everything else in their lives. I feel guilty that I have this time and space.
And then I feel guilty watching just how hard people work here. My local friends. Working 6 or 7 days a week, over 16 hours a day, never getting a break. And I have the privilege to do what I’m doing. And god damn it! You should be doing more! Mush! Mush!! If they can work those crazy hours – so should you!!! And then the nicer part of me comes out… But you have done those crazy hours before. Contribute in the way you contribute here. And you are preparing for the next wave of intense work that will inevitably happen.
And then I feel guilty watching just how hard people work here. My local friends. Working 6 or 7 days a week, over 16 hours a day, never getting a break. And I have the privilege to do what I’m doing. And god damn it! You should be doing more! Mush! Mush!! If they can work those crazy hours – so should you!!! And then the nicer part of me comes out… But you have done those crazy hours before. Contribute in the way you contribute here. And you are preparing for the next wave of intense work that will inevitably happen.
So I still get torn. The angel and the devil are still around.
I’ve realised that I am a creature of routine. I need it. So I’m instituting a more regimented regime for the next month or so. I’ve redrafted my project plan for all the various writing and other tasks I am doing. I’ve started a new blog I’m happy with. I’m reading more (even if its 50 Shades of Grey – it’s still interesting to read a different writing style, yes?). And I feel focused. Lets see how it unfolds! Wish me luck!
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| Thongsala, Koh Phangan (pretty island village!) |
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