A question I was introduced to in my 20s was: what is the worst case scenario?
In any given situation, I would ask, what is the worst outcome that could happen? Now this may seem a little morbid, but I found this incredibly helpful in understanding my own or other people’s fears. Once understood, better decisions could be made. If I could imagine myself being able to live with the worst outcome imaginable, then making a decision that may seem risky, possible.
As a lawyer I would advise clients of the range of potential outcomes that could be possible in any given legal scenario. This would include the best possible outcome, compromised outcomes (based on changes in stories, independent reports, the negotiation abilities of either party), what the judge ate for breakfast and the worst possible outcome.
The worst case scenario is an imperative consideration. Particularly when it comes to legal matters. More often than not, the worst case scenario, more often than not, happens. Especially when it comes to family law. People are emotionally volatile, the courts are under-resourced to deal with the cases and the judges are tired (understandably listening to allegation after allegation of all manner of things, I imagine it gets weary on the soul of a judge), and stories change. A lot.
‘So what do you think I should do?’ Would be a common client question.
‘Well, I think you need to consider all the options and potential outcomes I’ve outlined, there could be more that I haven’t envisaged, then come back and we can discuss it further.’
‘But what do you think I should do?’
‘Well, I think its important for you to consider the emotional and time impacts of taking this matter to court. Can you survive the stress? Can you get the time off work? What will be the impacts of this on other people/children in your family?
You need to consider the worst case scenario here. If the worst happened, you lost the case and your children were to live with your ex-partner, how would you deal with that? What would you do? What resources and support would you or your children need? What would your children need from you?’
I would ask them to consider all the possibilities, so that they would have some sort of preparation for any outcome.
I found that people always wanted to rush to the quickest answer. The short and easy conclusion.
They wanted a result. Now. They didn’t want to sift through the various possibilities and potential solutions. They just wanted an immediate answer to their heart wrenching situation.
But human relationships rarely offer quick fixes. Especially when lives become so entangled. Untangling them is a very difficult task, particularly when there are other humans to consider.
And after a while patterns would emerge: the people that would get so entrenched with their legal case that they stopped living their real lives; those that would make up lies and untruths, which often ended with dramatic disclosures; and those that eventually emotionally gave up, succumbing to the stress and heartache.
I encouraged them to get emotional support and assistance. I got them to think about and sift through the options, considering each potential worst case scenario, whether they could live with that and whether their fears were real, perceived or imaginary.
I started to apply this technique into my own life.
I did this before I went travelling for the first time. I never thought I needed to travel. I always thought that people who travelled were ‘running away’ from something in their lives. I never felt the need to run away or to find myself. I could do that from wherever I was :). And I always made the excuse of finances, partners and work. They were good excuses. I believed them!
When I first thought about the worst case scenarios for travelling by myself this is what I came up with:
- I will die.
- I will be raped.
- I will be robbed.
- A person will plant drugs in my bag and I will die by firing squad.
- A combination of the above.
It is true that the above happens. And that this is a possibility. Should this stop me? What is this fear about and where does it come from?Well I saw the movies about people living out their lives out in squalor in a Thai prison, for drug charges that they would serve at most a few years in Australia. I am being honest here, I really thought that a dodgy customs officer would plant drugs in my backpack.
And then I went through the list again. Number 1: I could die. True. I could die with or without travelling. I could get hit by a bus outside my home. Numbers 2 and 3: that happens everywhere. Yes, Australia is fairly safe compared to some other countries, but it happens everywhere. I should know, I am a lawyer!
Number 4: well it is possible, but not probable. What could I do to mitigate the possibility? I could buy locks for my bag. Wrap my bag in plastic. Not accept love bowls of cocaine from men I just met.
Then I asked myself what some of my other fears / worst case scenarios were. I came up with the following:
6. It’s costly. I won’t be able to save for some stuff I want. Fear: I’ll never get what I want!
7. My partner doesn’t want to go. Fear: My partner will leave me!
8. I don’t trust anyone to look after my cases at work whilst I’m away. Fear: My clients won’t be looked after properly and their cases will fail because I’m not there.
Number 6: I can save a little bit for travel and a little bit for the other things I want simultaneously. Number 7: It is unlikely we will break up. A few weeks of travel and separation does not mean the end. Other couples do it all the time.
Number 8: I know I care more than most, but there are other competent lawyers out there, it is not the end of the world.
Then I went even deeper.
What if I used up all my savings, lost my partner and all my clients cases failed? What would be the worst thing about that for me?
Answer: I would not be a success. I would die alone, penniless and miserable.
This sounded familiar to me. I realised these fears were similar to the fears of my family. I asked myself whether these fears were useful to me now. How are they helping me?
Answer: They are helping me by keeping me in my perceived ‘safe zone’. I could stay in this ‘safe zone’ forever, or I could step out and see what else is outside of this ‘zone’. Maybe ugly monsters? Maybe some amazing and beautiful things? Only one way to find out!
I also realised that I had a lot of ideas about myself invested in my work, partner and making a living.
Knowing what these fears were, made me realise how much I held onto ‘old’ stuff and stuff that was not perhaps so helpful for me in living a life that I truly want to live. Looking back at me now from my current perspective, I would be jumping up and down at me, saying ‘Step outside this zone! Now!! More wonderful things than you could have EVER have imagined are out there. Do it!’
Of course, that would be hard for my late 20s self to see. It’s clear now, not so clear then. But it was the beginning. The beginning of spending time to question me, why I did what I did and find out what was truly behind my fears and decide whether it was useful for me to continue on the same path or choose a different one.
It all started with questioning the worst case scenario. The worst case scenario questioning helps you get to your core fears. When you understand these fears, you can choose whether they are helpful for your life now and into the future.
Good luck with it. Let me know how you go!
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