‘Still, a man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest’

Last week’s blog post focussed on the first part of the lyric from Simon & Garfunkel’s song, The Boxer. This week is all about the second part of the lyric, ‘Still, A man hears what he wants to hear, and disregards the rest.’

This concept has fascinated me since I was a teenager. Why do we only take on board some of what another tells us? Why do we only focus on the part we want to know about?

Some people are overt about only wanting to hear what they want to hear. For example a guy I met here in Essaouira, when I was trying to kindly explain why I didn’t think we could be a couple, I said something like:

‘You are a really nice person, but I think we have different goals in life. I have enjoyed hanging out with you, but I think there are cultural differences which affect how we interact with each other, which is not good or bad, I just know for me I need someone more sensitive.’

He said, ‘I only want to know if you want to see me again. I don’t care about the rest.’

‘You are not understanding what I’m trying to say.’

‘Do you want to see me again?’

What could I say to this? He didn’t want to understand what I was trying to say. I attempted to explain the above in a number of different ways before we came to the end of the conversation. Obviously there were cultural mis-communications, but he simply did not want to know, or take the time to know or understand or even perhaps grow from our interactions.

This is an obvious example of ‘every man hears what they want to hear and disregards the rest.’ There are more subtle examples of course. For example, your boss may give you feedback on a piece of work and say ‘that’s great work, but you need to improve your structure or interactions with clients.’ You may just hear ‘that’s great work’ and progress as you always have. You keep the positive and disregard the rest. That may be fine, but if you want to be better at your job, then you may want to take on board the comments and improve.

Or you may hear only ‘you need to improve your interactions with clients’, feel bad and believe that your boss sees you only as a bad worker. This may confirm for you your feelings of inadequacy or not being good enough. So you take away only the negative, because that’s what you want to hear.

A balanced approach is to look at the information from your boss, take on both aspects and continue to improve your work.

There are times of course when it is good to be discerning about the information you receive. So you might see a media report that an Al-Qaida gunman has killed five people in a coffee shop and put an ISIS flag in the window of that coffee shop. If you took that information on face value, you might think that there are going to be terrorist attacks all over the city and that you should hide. If you investigate further, you might find out that it was an isolated case of someone with previous violent history and mental illness and that it was in fact not apart of a city-wide Al-Qaida converted effort. In this case, hearing the facts that five people died, which is very upsetting, and leaving the rest, i.e. the interpretations of the motivations of the person behind the act, you may want to disregard.

We are always interpreting information through our filters of fears and desires. Our experiences in life, from a very young age, establish these filters. These filters, just like sunglasses, can help or obstruct our vision.

Taking these sunglasses off to have a look at them, see what colours they enhance or filter out, whether they allow enough light in, block too much out, do they look clouded, whether they are helping you to see more clearly, I think are useful considerations. Why?

It enhances your life experience. Really? I think so. It allows you deeper understanding of yourself, others and the world around you. Understanding gives you freedom. Freedom to make better choices for you. Freedom to grow, develop & let go of anything that doesn’t bring you more peace or happiness.

An example from my life. At the end of my high school years I decided to volunteer at a respite centre twice a week outside my school hours. The respite centre was run mostly from volunteers, to provide respite for families who had full-time responsibility of their family members who required their full-time care and attention. It was a day off for the families / carers and usually a fun play day for those they care for. Up until that point I had not spent any time hanging out with people with disability.

The experience changed my perceptions of people with disability. The sunglasses I wore about people with disability was that they were a hassle, a drain and had sad existences. Through playing games and interacting with a number of people I realised that most of the people I interacted with had a lot of varying interests, hobbies and loved having fun. They had a lot of love to give.

In a very short period of time I took off those sunglasses, those filters and perceptions of people with disability. I was so glad I did.

Here are some suggestions of ways you can look at the various shades you or others might be wearing in any given situation.

For you:

1. When someone gives you some new information, stop and ask yourself what information are you choosing to accept and not accept. Is this useful and practical in your life?
2. When someone you care about tells you something about yourself, whether it is good or bad, ask yourself whether that information is useful to you. Is there room to examine your filters and find out whether the information could benefit you in some way?
3. Are their blind spots that you have not been aware of until now that may be worth examining?

For others:

1. When you give someone some information, stop. Leave a little space, time to process, and ask what they think of what you said. Their response can give you some ideas of their filters (ie. the information they leave out or the parts they focus on the most).
2. When reading some news information, ask yourself what is the writer leaving out? What are their sunglasses they are choosing to see the situation through?
3. Know that you can’t change another’s sunglasses. Only they can do that. You can observe their sunglasses. You could also try their sunglasses on and see if it fits with you. You can show them your sunglasses. And of course, it’s their choice if they put them on or not.