In my previous post I discussed understanding your fears to get to why you’ve made the decisions you’ve made and following this potentially choosing something different to what you’ve been boxed into or repeating. But sometimes there are decisions to be made that don’t have anything ‘big’ behind them, or you are not sure what is what. This post offers a very different technique.
At times I’ve experienced indecision.
Often I see two peachy paths. Both with different outcomes, but both with similar prospects of greatness. A simple example, but one I find challenging, is: which restaurant to eat at? I love food, and when presented with choice (I’m glad I’m a veg because given the choice, I usually want to try ALL the dishes on a menu! :)), I am usually excited to eat at many. And I’m no help when my friends ask me to decide. At all.
Another example is choosing between job opportunities. I see the varying potentials for each. One will enable me to focus my skills on a particular area, the other on another. Both have valuable developmental prospects. Both have relatively similar pays and good working environments.
Which do I choose?
I have been known to flip coins. A lot. Even for major decisions. Heads for me was always ‘action forward’ (like in going out = heads or staying home = tails). Or I would pick one option as heads, and the other as tails. This in itself would give me clues as to which decision I really preferred. I always favoured ‘heads’, even though many in ‘straylia would beg to differ. ‘Tails never fails!’ is a continual refrain I hear. The problem is, the more you flip, the more ambivilent the answer becomes.
Sometimes I get others involved in my decision making. I turn it into a group activity. I remember staying in a hostel in Rio de Janerio a few years ago. A group of people were going out and were trying to convince me to come. I had been out the night before and I was tired, but I really liked my new friends, so I knew it would be fun, but my body was telling me ‘sleep’. But I knew I could pep up and party if I choose to.
So in a group of wanderers from around the world: four french, a couple of germans, a dutchman, and an american, I said ok: ‘I’m going to do a coin toss.’ They formed a circle around me, with curious eyes and amused smiles.
I threw the coin high into the air. ‘Heads is for staying home and tails is for going out.’
‘Tails. Ok, it’s out of three.’
‘Heads.’
‘The suspense is killing me!’
I flip a third time.
‘Ahhh, Heads it is. I have to stay in. What a shame!’
‘Yes, but you got tails first, so that means you should come!’
‘But it’s out of three.’
Obviously, I was finding it hard to say what my body was really feeling, but I truly did see two equally good options. Bed or party. Bed or party. Bed.
I gave up coin tossing a couple of years ago (well, mostly, except for the occasional restaurant decision making process :)).
I used to make lists for bigger decisions in my life. Pros versus cons in any given scenario. This really was very helpful. I would recommend this for anyone.
But now I use a different process. I use the ‘F’ yeah’ technique (I’ve heard this technique from a few writers and speakers, applied it in my own life, and now I want to share it with you).
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| F’Yeah! |
I only say ‘yes’ to things that I feel are a ‘OMG, yes, I really want to do that’ or a simple ‘Fuck yes’ (whichever is your preference). I feel into my body and see what its saying.
If I’m just ambivilant, or not sure, I don’t do it.
If I feel good about the decision, my belly is not doing little flips (my belly has always been good at feeling things, but I have not listened to it enough in the past. I have been learning to listen to it more by feeling into it, sometimes even asking it the question to be decided on!), and it feels like fun, I say ‘Fuck yes!’
If I need more information to make a decision, I go get the information (this often involves assessing the practical measures), before feeling into the ‘Fuck yes!’ moment. Often, I get an initial ‘OMG yes!’ pull and the further information confirms it. Sometimes, I am unsure and after understanding the practicalities, it becomes a firm ‘F’ yes!’ or ‘Hell No’.
Again, if I am unsure, it’s a ‘No’.
An example of a ‘Absolutely, with sprinkles on top- Yes!’ I was looking to share a home with some people in Melbourne. A friend recommended me to some of her friends who had a home in the area I wanted to live. Seeing the home and space and meeting one half of the couple I was a definite ‘F’ yes!’. I had not even found out about the cost of the room or met the other half. When I did meet the other half and found out the cost, it was an even more ‘I am moving in tomorrow feeling – Yes!’.
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| Unsure moments… |
An example of an ‘unsure’. I was approached to do some pet and house sitting by a couple. They needed someone urgently. I said I was available and I would like to meet them that night after work. I was feeling like it could be an uncertain yes, and I needed more information. As soon as I got to the home, it was dark and smelly. I knew I couldn’t stay there. So, despite the lovely cats, it turned into a ‘No way ho-say!’.
When I have gone against the internal ‘NNNnnnoooo.’
I was recommended to do some fill in work for an organisation. My friend had spoken highly about the particular CEO, so I was looking forward to meeting her. When I met her, I felt an immediate ‘Hell No!’. It’s hard to describe the exact feeling, but she was not like the CEOs of other non-profits I had worked with before. She appeared very stressed (which is normal for a CEO of a non-profit), but was also all over the place and had an abrupt cold manner. I brushed it aside because I trusted my friend (she had never worked for this person, but knew her personally). I commenced working directly for this CEO. My ‘Hell No!’ got worse everyday. I quickly understood the issues causing the previous incumbent to leave. I soon left the position, after realising that there was nothing I could do to change or make the situation better.
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| F’ Yes is a feeling |
‘F’ Yes’ is a feeling. An inner knowing. Sometimes its a lightening bolt, other times after considering all the information it becomes a ‘Oh Yes!’. Anything else is a ‘No’.
Sometimes the ‘Hell No!’ comes from a fear. To discern whether something is a real fear (an actual ‘No’) or a repeated fear pattern which stops the real ‘F’ Yes!’ from coming out, read my previous blog post on ‘worst case scenario’ which will give you tips on understanding fears in decision making processes.
Here’s to all your ‘F’ Yes’s!!!’
