listening

I can’t even remember her name. I’ve woken up the past few mornings thinking about a client I had when I was practicing child protection law in a disadvantaged area in Australia.

She came to see me about being able to re-establish contact with one of her children. She first came into my office with abruptness, a dash of aggression and a truckload of defence.

What struck me initially about her was her eyes: a shining mix of greens and blues, that made you want to stare incessantly but at the same time immediately look away. I knew I needed to calm her, so I set out explaining what I do, that everything we discuss is confidential before turning to,

‘Can you tell me what you’d like to achieve with you case?’

‘I want my children back.’

‘Ok, so do you have any current orders?’

She talked about all manner of things from her current boyfriend and children that live with her, but she never answered my question.

‘Do you have any current family court orders?’

Again she rambled on about her ex partner, giving great detail on how he treated her and the fights she had with her family that she was not proud of.

‘So you’re not sure if you have any orders or not?’

‘Yes.’

‘Well, we need to find out what has happened in the past, do you have any paperwork at home?’

‘No… I chucked most of it out…well I may have some boxes in a shed that might have some paperwork.’

‘Paperwork is important, so I know how to advise you. It is impossible for me to give you the correct advise without seeing the paperwork. Can you look for it and we can make another appointment for you to come back?’

‘Ok, I can try.’

‘Great. So shall we make an appointment for next week then?’

‘Will I be able to have my child back?’

‘Well, as I said before, I have no idea, unless I see the paperwork and know what has happened to advise you. The law does allow for parents to be involved and have contact with their children. Potentially, and I can’t confirm this unless I get all the information, you may be able to start with phone or supervised contact before moving to other sorts of contact with your child. It would need to be a slow process if you haven’t seen your child for many years.’

The next week she came back with a couple of crumpled pieces of paper.

‘Is this all you have?’

‘Yes, I ripped the others up I got so angry with them.’

‘Ok, it’s a start. We can request documents from the court and an FOI from the department for other documents. Have you ever done an affidavit or written down the story from the start to now with dates? Can you do that, that will make it easier for when we need to submit documents for contact when we get to it.’

‘How long is this process going to take? I really want to see him.’

‘Of course you do. But as I’m a lawyer, I need to see all the documents and understand fully what has gone on before, so we can address it and work out the best ways forward. So it may take a while, it usually takes weeks to get documents back from the courts and the department even longer.’

She came back to see me in a fortnight. I still hadn’t got the documents through, and she was wondering how her matter was going.

‘Have you started to write down your story?’

‘I couldn’t. It’s too hard with the kids and looking after a family.’

‘Ok, well lets start now.’ I didn’t do this with every client, but I realised, understanding her background, that it would not be possible otherwise. I suspected she also had issues with reading and writing.

As a lawyer working in a community centre I did not have the dreaded ‘time billing increments’ where every 6 minutes of your time needs to be justified and billed to a client. Any client. I had the fortuitous situation of being able to spend loads of time with clients, when most lawyers would do anything to get a client out of their office, I would encourage them to share. And truthfully, I think the type of law and work it was, it really required it.

We spent hours after my allotted client hours getting her to remember as much as possible and approximate dates (which if we were lucky she remembered vague years and very lucky to get months on some things, occasionally we’d get a date that she’d really remember – a pivotal moment that stood out for her within her harrowing story).

It was a process that took weeks and many hours within those weeks. During the time we’d spend together I would ask her questions, listen to her, summarise what she said back to her, ask her more questions and all the while type up the notes as succinctly as possible and as much as possible in her own words.

It was at times exhausting for me, especially after the end of a couple of hour session of complete concentration (and extraction!). But every time she left she would look lighter in her being. Happier. She even told me that she really enjoyed our time together. ‘It’s really good for me to do this.’

Yes it was. There was about a six week break in our sessions and I was beginning to wonder what happened. I called her.

‘Yes, I’ll make another appointment soon. I’ve been very busy with my boyfriend and kids.’ She sounded a lot happier than she did previously.

More time passed. I couldn’t get through to her on the phone and wrote her a letter to say, as I’d said before, that she needs to finish the documents and initiate the proceedings if she wants to have contact with her child. I could not make her do that, she had to want to.

I never heard from her again. I closed her case.

Initially I thought to myself, what a waste of my time! But then I thought about it in a different way.

I very much doubted that she would have had anyone sit down with her and listen fully to her story. Really listen. Really try to understand and document some of her life. She felt heard and cared for.

Maybe that was enough for her at that time. I don’t think she did not want to see her child again or that she was a bad mother. Her life was full of violence, and horrendous situations which ended in her child at the time being removed from her. In a better system, the removal would not have happened, support would have been given and she would have been in a safe space to raise her child.

But in telling her story, and really being heard, some sort of resolution happened for her for that time. It may not be a complete resolution, but it was enough for her. Enough for her to process in the moment. Enough care for that time. Maybe in the future she would want to try again, but this process was enough for her, for now.

I realised then it was not a waste of my time. It helped a woman have space to process a little of the overwhelming life circumstances that happened to her. I always recommended to my clients to see accredited psychologist and counsellors, and although I worked hard at demystifying the stigma around seeing one, there was regularly a lack of access to free support and one local enough for them to access (that didn’t already have a list as long as a kite string).

My point in writing this blog post is to share with you the power of really listening to people. Deeply listening to people can make a situation just that much lighter, provide some resolution for people or can even heal. Everyone I know really wants to be heard (and even better to be understood). Because people want to be heard, a lot of people take the space in conversations, not hearing what others have to say and are often not listened to because they monopolise, therefore turning the listeners away.

Listening takes practice. But most importantly it takes care. Care for the other person will make you want to stop talking and find out what is happening for the other person, without jumping in with solutions or advice. You know what I mean, you are halfway through a story and the other person jumps in with a solution (which you were about to mention you already considered) and then turns the conversation in a new direction or to them. Very unsatisfying.

Contrast this with someone sitting opposite you, looking into your eyes (just the right amount:)), listening to your story, repeating back to you the key bits of your story, or asking pertinent questions to clarify your or their understanding and asking what you think you need to do from here. (I feel relaxed just writing that! :)).

This is the type of listening each and everyone of us need. Everyday if possible.

When this becomes standard practice for you, you realise you get so much just from listening and seeing how people are at the end of your conversations together. Sometimes that is enough and you don’t feel like you need to be listened to in return. I think it’s worth experimenting with.

I’d love to know your thoughts or your experiences on listening, comment below!