Where are you from?

‘Where are you from’ she asked as I entered the communal kitchen.

‘Ooohhh, that’s such an interesting question, there could be so many answers to that. I live in the world. I’ve been living in different locations for the last 7 years.’

‘Well, where were you born?’

I hesitated, ’Australia, but I don’t live there. And it certainly doesn’t tell much about me.’ I smiled, ‘What’s your name?’

I decided to make it easy on her (and myself) by telling her where I was born. Then I proceeded to ask what I think should be perhaps a preferred first question to someone you first meet.

It is an interesting process meeting anyone for the first time. According to many psychological studies we make judgements about people within a 10th of a second of meeting people, facial features, trustworthiness, aggressiveness, likability, competence are all assessed. 

A glance, a look, perhaps a word or many more. We are instinctually judgmental creatures, sizing each other up, a threat, a friend, a foe, someone to use, someone to connect with, someone to run away from. All in a few seconds. A blink in time. And then we fill the next few minutes usually with a few short questions and answers which tells us all we need to know:

‘Where are you from?’

‘What do you do for a living?’

‘What’s your name?’

And that’s it. Perhaps, if people are open, have more time, are interested, a conversation about other subjects like, how long have you lived here, or how long are you staying may follow.  

So I’m forever Sunni from Australia, and perhaps a writer or lawyer or vagabond or whatever label the other wants to bestow upon me. 

But where I’m from and what I do or have done does not define me. It doesn’t define you either. It’s a box that we put each other in to make ourselves feel comfortable. I know where to place you in my mind so that my perceptions, biases, world views stay stagnant.

In some cultures the question of where are you from is more important than what you do for a living. Where you’re born and who your family is defines you more than what you do. For me, these questions have similar energy of placing people in particular boxes that we mostly subconsciously relate to that person in the future from our ideas of what a lawyer should be or act like, or how a person from a particular region in the United States or a person from Cambodia behaves.

You and I both know that all people from the United States are not like Donald Trump or look like Julia Roberts or always act like Kanye West having a night on the town. Yet we carry some bias, and again it’s usually unconscious, about how Americans or Australians or Iranians or Argentians or Texans behave and that’s how we then proceed to relate to them.

‘Oh you’re from Australia, it must mean you like vegemite, like drinking, wearing flipflops, you must be an expert surfer and love danger. And of course you’re fun to be with.’

Just to let you know, some Australians are boring. And some aren’t laid back. Some are as uptight as a five year old getting ready to have her first molar pulled at the dentist. Some are terrible at outdoor sports (like yours truly). 

Every country I’ve travelled to has bias and racism. It’s human to judge and put people in boxes, but I believe we need to start to be more aware of our bias, in order to help us to relate to others better. To have more fulfilling interactions. Life’s too short to keep someone as ‘Dan from London.’

I would much prefer to know that Dan is exploring his love of building environmentally sustainable guitars whilst bringing up two children and supporting his ex-wife to follow her passion for human rights.

Sometimes this bias is overt. Recently I heard Nicaraguans are aggressive drinkers and Costa Ricans are two faced, ‘Everyone knows this’ one foreigner told me. This may be based in some reality for some people, or it may not. Even if any of these could be characteristics of some people in the country, it doesn’t mean all people within the countries are the same. You and I both know this logically, but often we continue to relate to people in particular ways because of these racist remarks.

‘I don’t know what is in the heart of a berber’ was told to me by a Moroccan man from Arabic background. Arabic peoples conquered the region1200 years ago. I still find it difficult to understand that such bias / distinction between peoples still remains, despite religious and cultural practices being predominantly adopted by the Berber peoples.

I have found similar biases in countries across Asia, Europe, Australia, North, South and Central America. Biases 100s or 1000s of years old. It could be a feud over land 100s of years in the past from one family and the resentment, cautiousness, wariness, suspicion is carried through. For 100s of years. For many they don’t know why they need to hate the person across the paddock from them. Yet they do. Because that’s how it’s always been done.

And it all comes from ‘where are you from?’. Which box can I put you in?

Of course there is a lot of pride for some people to say where they are from. Including deep cultural pride and identity. And that’s wonderful. There is magic in learning about culture, practices and religion, and it’s a big part of the reason I live the life I do. I’m not proposing we step away from understanding others’ culture, practices and identity, but to go deeper with people we meet, from the beginning.

I am proposing we test out some different first questions when we meet someone new. Here are some to try, and please let me know if you have any of your own:

1. What are your hobbies?
2. What’s your favourite thing to do outside of work?
3. What’s your favourite sport / food / cuisine?
4. How long have you been living / staying here? Are you enjoying life here?
5. What’s your favourite animal?
6. What’s been your best day in this past week and why?

And for the more bold:

1. How are your happiness levels at the moment?
2. What brings you the most joy?
3. What’s your favorite childhood memory?
4. If you had superhero powers what would they be?
5. What are some little things that bring you joy in your day to day life?
6. If you could do 3 things to change the world, what would it be?

Try some of these out… see if it changes the dynamics or relationship to people from the beginning. And I’d love to hear how it goes for you.

If you want to dive deeper into your relationship dynamics with friends and acquaintances I’m an intuitive coach. I’d love to help you understand your deeper emotional blocks to connection with others, and release them for more freedom in all areas of your life.